Top 5 Holiday Parenting Challenges & Tips from a Therapist in Berkeley
Managing the Family Drama
Winter is coming…for parents who get this Game of Thrones reference, the holidays can certainly evoke a similar anxiety (thankfully without ice zombies threatening to destroy our world). But aren’t the holidays supposed to be full of love and gratitude, taking time off work (if you’re able to do that), enjoying festivities and meals with family and friends, exchanging gifts with loved ones? YES..AND, it’s okay to acknowledge that the holidays can also be stressful and sometimes even a time of year you’d like to skip completely! The kids are bouncing off the wall or becoming ice zombies themselves in front of their screens, family members are giving you unsolicited advice on how to “fix” your children, siblings are fighting over why one got the blue box and the other got the green box, and let’s not get started on how EXPENSIVE this time of year can get!
As a parenting therapist in Berkeley, and a parent myself, let me start by reminding you that you are amazing - you are prioritizing so many needs and wants and you are working hard so the holidays can be joyful for everyone! Thank you for doing everything that you’re doing - we often don’t get a chance to hear that.
Top 5 Holiday Parenting Challenges & Tips from a Therapist in Berkeley
Managing Boredom (and all the other feelings and shenanigans that come up) When Your Kids are Out of School:
Children, both old and young (and adults for that matter), often thrive with the containment of routine. When schedules are disrupted, the containment, predictability, and purpose that a routine provides goes out the window. This can be incredibly unsettling and dysregulating for kids. It can be helpful to give them some structure to their time off. Try to maintain a consistent bedtime, schedule meals and build time for activities around those mealtimes, plan activities ahead of time, build in “down time” where kids aren’t on screens (or when they are on screens, your choice). Not all children need routines to regulate, but many do!
2. Managing Expectations:
As much as possible, prepare your children for what is coming - shifts in routine, new people, unexpected gifts, new foods, etc. Set realistic goals, for them and for you! If you have a young child who struggles with frustration tolerance or disappointment, remind them during a calm moment what they can do if they are having those big feelings and help them practice. If you have a new schedule or different rules during holiday times, review those schedules and rules with your children ahead of time. And for you, remember that things often don’t go as planned and that is ok. Think about the little ways you can give yourself mini-breaks (or big breaks). Down time is important so that you can rejuvenate and prep for the next thing!
3. Managing When Family Members Tell You How to Parent Your Child:
You know your child best! When others give you unwanted advice about parenting, recognize that they are expressing their care for your child and then set boundaries around your right to make decisions for yourself and your family. If you anticipate this coming up, it’s helpful to think about how you might say this ahead of time. These moments can be tricky - talk with your partner and/or trusted family or friends and seek their support if needed.
4. Managing Entitlement:
This is a difficult one for parents. It’s hard not to future-trip when we hear or see our children behaving in a way that seems entitled. We can jump to thinking that this is the type of person he/she/they will be when they’re an adult. First thing to remember is to stay in the moment - this does not have to be a sign of things to come! Second is to think about the skill that you’d like your child to have that they aren’t currently demonstrating. Many times, what looks and sounds like entitlement is a child struggling to manage disappointment and/or frustration. It can be helpful to acknowledge their feelings. “You really wanted that toy that your cousin got, and you didn’t get it. That feels really disappointing.” Or, if you have a child that gets triggered when you try to talk with them about their feelings, you can say “I remember one time when I didn’t get the one thing I really wanted for my birthday. It made me feel so disappointed and sad, and mad. You won’t believe it, but I actually even went to my room and screamed because it felt so bad.” (Of course, fill in the story with something that’s true for you.) Feeling seen is often the only intervention that’s needed. If your kiddo needs a little more support, you can give them some ways to help them manage those feelings such as offering to go on a walk with them, giving them something to eat or drink, distracting them with a preferred activity (yes, this is ok). Avoid making promises just to appease them, this will have the opposite effect and will lead to kids expecting things just to stop them from feeling upset (which then leads to…entitlement). Try to avoid triggering words like “but”, or engaging in lengthy explanations about why they “shouldn’t feel” the way they feel. Both of these strategies end up overriding and dismissing your efforts to connect and acknowledge what your child is experiencing. As we know, the only part of a sentence that anyone focuses on is the part after the “but”. And if we lay in on how important gratitude is, it totally skips over the part where they are feeling disappointed and may lead them to feel guilty or shameful which does not teach them the skill of recognizing and dealing with their disappointment. Third (and this gets to the gratitude part), make sure you build in time to engage in activities that support the value you’re trying to instill. Do things that focus on spending time with loved ones (games, hikes, meals, etc.) or giving back to the community. Actions speak much louder than words.
5. Managing Your Own Burnout:
You are so focused on giving to everyone else, you have neglected to give back to yourself. I’m sure you’ve heard this analogy a thousand times -”if there is a change in cabin pressure, put your own oxygen mask on first before you help others.” You will not be able to give if you have nothing in your reserves to give. Notice when you are experiencing a “change in cabin pressure” - what does this look and feel like to you? Is it when you feel exhausted all day, when you snap at the smallest things, when you don’t have time to shower/exercise/etc.? Once you start to notice the first signs that you are burning out, find a way to build in mini-breaks (mentioned earlier) where you get to focus just on you. What do you like to do that calms you down? Taking a walk, reading, playing a game or going on social media, watching TV, connecting with a friend? Think about small (and big) ways you can build in opportunities to recharge. And make sure you prioritize those breaks - they can often be the first to go when you have a million things on your to-do list and everyone is asking for something. You are important and deserve the care you are giving to yourself.
These Tips Are Not Just for the Holidays - Take Them With You Into the New Year!
If you’re struggling to find joy in parenting, connection with your child and your partner, and confidence in how you are supporting your child, please know you don’t have to go through this alone. Parent counseling might be the additional support you need. If you’re looking for a therapist in Berkeley, click the button below to schedule a free 15 minute consultation to see how I can help. I also offer online therapy throughout California.
Wishing you and your family a healthy and happy new year!
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